How to Help Our Littlest Humans with their Biggest Emotions

We know that people of all ages come with the spectrum of emotions. However, it can often be confusing how to help our littlest humans (think ages 3+) when they are experiencing the ebbs and flows of big emotions. Below, you will find some strategies that can help you co-regulate with your child in order to assist them in moving through some of their intense emotions and behaviors.

1.     Name It to Tame It: A strategy discussed by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson in their book, “The Whole Brained Child”, “Name It to Tame It” involves the adult in the situation to name the feeling underlying the child’s words or behaviors. So, for example, if your child is screaming and kicking in their car seat, in order to “Name it”, you might state, “Wow, you are feeling so mad right now. You do not want to be in that car seat. I see that”. Naming the feeling validates how the child is feeling and can “bring down”, or tame, the intensity level of the child’s emotions and behaviors.

2.     Co-Regulate: When our children, particularly our youngest, are upset and dysregulated, what they need is a safe adult to be with them and to help them co-regulate. In other words, having a calm adult to be present with them through their intense emotions helps them learn how to self-regulate in the long run. In order to be in a place to co-regulate, it is important that the adult check in with themselves first, and then hold a gentle and secure space for the child. This might look like taking long, deep breaths to model deep breathing or lowering their voice (see below for additional information).

3.     When they go high, you go low:  When children become upset or dysregulated, they might yell or scream – their voices will “go high”. In these instances, in order to be able to co-regulate with the child, it is important that the adult “go low”. If the child is yelling, the adult can use a typical voice level (lower than the child’s) and remain gentle, but firm. At times, it can even be effective for the adult to use a whisper in order to help in those moments.

4.     ACT Limit Setting: As discussed in a previous Ethos Wellness blog, the ACT strategy, rooted in play therapy, provides an opportunity for the adult to validate the child’s emotions, while communicating a limit and providing the child with controlled choices for alternate responses.

·      A: Acknowledge the Feeling: Identify and validate your child’s feelings. This allows them to feel seen and heard.

                                               i.     “You are feeling so mad right now!”

·      C: Communicate the Limit: Set a firm and reasonable boundary. Doing so is critical in helping children feel safe and learn. It is important that the limit is communicated in a manner that focused on the action and not on the child as a person.

                                             ii.     “Your brother is not for hitting.”

·      T: Target the Alternative: Provide controlled choices of what the child can do in order to refocus their behavior. This way, instead of the child focusing on what they cannot do or that they were told “no”, the child can now focus on their choices and they feel a sense of control.

                                            iii.     “You can choose to hit a pillow or bean bag.”

5.     Limit Language / Wait until they are calm to reflect: When a child is in a heightened state of emotional arousal, they are unable to access the parts of their brain related to higher order thinking and complex language. Attempting to reason and use rationale with them while they are upset is not effective; in fact, it can often escalate the emotions and behaviors. It is, thus, critical to wait until the child has calmed down before processing and reflecting the situation with them.

6.     Discuss others’ emotions: When the child is calm, it can be helpful to read books, listen to stories or watch movies where you process those character’s emotional states with the child. Asking questions such as, “Why do you think they became upset in that situation?” or “I wonder what else he could have done to help his body when she stole his lunch, what do you think?” are examples of open ended questions that can facilitate these conversations.

7.     Model your own emotional regulation strategies: Many adults believe that they should always remain calm in front of children; they may not want to show children emotions such as nervousness, sadness or frustration. In actuality, using those moments as opportunities for a learning experience can be extremely beneficial. Talking aloud about how you are feeling (i.e. “Oh man, I put onions in the soup! Those go on the sandwich. Ugh! I am feeling frustrated. Whew, I think I need to take some deep breaths. Model deep breathing Ok, I feel a bit better now. Let’s see, I think I can add some other spices to make the onion work in the soup.”) normalizes that all humans, including their safe adults, experience different emotions and have the tools to move through them.

If you have questions about how to help your young child manage their big emotions,­ please feel free to contact us!